Time to LIGHTEN up for a while!

By now I’m mighty tired of reading and writing about politics, religion, gays, lesbians, news media bias, Right-wing Neanderthals, Left-wing socialists, fascists, Islam, Christianity, the fiscal cliff, the debt ceiling, Wal-Mart mistreating its underpaid labor pool, and a litany of other equally done-to-death topics.

Let’s lighten up a bit. To this end, I’m going with some tidbits I found in a manila folder at the bottom of a pile of other manila folders. I have no idea who wrote this stuff or even who sent it to me.

But I think some of it is funny… a bit crude around the edges, perhaps, and undoubtedly some of the language will upset the tighter asses who may per chance read it. C’est la vie; life’s uphill!

For the SAILORS…

A Marine walks into a bathroom and sees a Sailor standing at the urinal fussing with the thirteen buttons on his pants. The Marine says, “It must be a pain in the ass to have to mess with all those buttons every time you have to pee.” The sailor replies, “Yes it is! If I were a Marine, all I’d have to do is take off my hat.”

And in fairness to the MARINES…

A Sailor and a Marine were standing side-by-side at a urinal. The Marine finished, zipped up, and started to leave the bathroom. The Sailor yelled; “Hey, Jar-head, in the Navy they teach us to wash our hands after we pee.” To which the Marine responded, “That’s nice, Swabbie, but in the Marines, they teach us not to pee on our hands!”

Watch out for that VIAGRA…

An elderly man swallowed a Viagra tablet in anticipation of making a carnal score. Although it harmlessly dissolved, it was stuck in his throat for a bit. Just the same, it ruined the potential for carnal delights because instead of scoring, he ended up with a stiff neck that lasted 4-hours!

From the annals of Fort Lauderdale, Florida…

A scam, as reported by the media in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida has two good looking women approaching drivers as they are parking their cars in the Galleria Mall parking lot.

One starts wiping the windshield with a rag and some Windex. The other one comes to the driver’s window saying “hi” while bending over with her breasts almost coming out of her blouse, making it impossible not to look.

When the man thanks them and offer them a tip, they say no and beg him for a ride to the Town Square Mall. If he agrees, they hop into the back seat and start having sex with each other on the way.

Then, as he pulls into the mall parking lot, one of them performs oral sex on him while the other one steals his wallet. I, personally, was assaulted last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday!

This next one sounds like the late George Carlin…

Jack shit: For some time, many of us have wondered who Jack Shit is. We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, “You don’t know Jack Shit!” Well read this and that will no longer be true.

Jack Shit is the only son of Awe Shit who married O. Shit, the owners of Knee Deep-N-Shit, Inc. In turn Jack Shit married Knoe Shit. The couple had 6 children: Holie Shit, Giva Shit, Fulla Shit, Bull Shit, and the twins, Deep Shit and Dip Shit.

Deep Shit married Dumb Shit. And after Jack and Noe Shit got divorced, she married Ted Sherlock and took the name, Knoe Shit-Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Shit married Lota Shit and had a kid with a nervous disposition named Chicken Shit.

Eventually Fulla Shit and Giva Shit married the Happens brothers in a double wedding ceremony. They sent out invites to the Shit-Happens wedding.

Finally, when Bull Shit finished traveling the world, he returned home with an Italian bride, Pisa Shit. So from now on, no one can tell you that you don’t know Jack Shit!

The simplification of POLITICS…

A young son goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?” Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me Capitalism. Your Mom is the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government.

Since we’re here to take care of your needs, we’ll call you the people. Your nanny? We’ll call her the Working Class. And your baby brother is the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.”

So the boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So he goes to his parent’s room and finds his mother sound asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks through the keyhole and sees his father plowing her big time! He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the boy says to his father, “I think I understand politics now, dad.” Dad replies, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”

The boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class; the Government is sound asleep; the People are being ignored; and the Future is in deep sh*t.”

The futility of flattening the stomach…

A little boy walks into his parent’s room to see his mom on top of his dad, bouncing up and down. Mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him….

The child sees his mom and asks, “What were you and dad doing?” Mom replied, “Well you know your dad has a big tummy, and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it.”

“You’re wasting your time,” said the boy. Puzzled, mom asked the boy, “Why is that?” “Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over, gets on her knees, and blows it right back up.”

Have a great week!

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