New Years. Again! I don’t know about all of you, but I weigh more than I did last year at this time. In fact, now that I think about it, it’s been happening with regularity for only God knows how long.
I’ve never been one to blame this kind of stuff on “chance” or “God’s Will.” No siree, just because we don’t know what they are does not mean that scientific reasons for everything do NOT exist, even if we never find them.
Now that my bathroom scale groans each time I step onto it, I decided to devote more diligence and determination to my search for a scientific answer.
Several years ago, a colleague of mine sent me a piece about space dust—that’s right… SPACE DUST. I read it, but I didn’t give it much thought at the time because I was too busy trying to earn a living. Nor, unlike now, was I steadily gaining weight. Or, at least I didn’t think so.
Anyway, I vaguely recall that the article detailed the way space dust—and LOTS of it, too—was perpetually bombarding planet Earth. The problem is that I couldn’t find the article for this week’s publication; so I jumped onto the Internet’s super highway to see what I COULD find.
Yep, even though the trip was fraught with all sorts of dead-end side streets aimed at tricking me into looking at disgusting dirty pictures, the venture was well worth the effort. I found “my” scientific answer.
I know what you’re thinking, “WOW, the INTERNET?” Well, there’s nothing wrong with stuff you find on the Internet as long as you possess a Carl Sagan Baloney Detection Kit, aka: a Bullshit Meter.
Well, I have one and it works FINE, especially whenever it permits me to deflect blame for MY weight gain away from ME. Read on! You, too, may well find great solace in SCIENCE. Even if your butt’s the size of a Volkswagen Jetta, it’s probably NOT your fault.
For years, now, the American Institute for Instilling Dietary Terror has been blaming our weight gains on the ingestion of too many hamburgers, French fries, cheese steaks, pizza, cookies, cakes, chocolate, pregnancy, lack of exercise, homosexuality, heterosexuality, bisexuality, too much television, Protestantism, Catholicism, Judaism, Islam, and a host of other stuff.
Well, FINALLY we have indisputable evidence that proves that it’s all been a huge CROCK!
Science… that’s right, SCIENCE has finally debunked this crap. According to the United States Geographic Survey, no less than 1,000 million grams of finely particled space dust enters our atmosphere and falls to Earth each year.
That’s 2,204,623 pounds of the stuff piling up year after year. It doesn’t take a rocket science degree to understand that a lot of it lands on each of us! Hell, we’re lucky we don’t weigh a lot more than we do.
Well, the gig is finally up; we can all stop feeling so damn guilty. All of you medical doctors out there, stuff THIS in your stethoscopes; get off our backs!
Also—I found this on the Internet as well—Earth’s orbital speed is gradually slowing down. Well, DUH! With all of the added weight, we’re lucky we don’t stop orbiting altogether!
OH and I noticed one other thing each time I was “tricked” into taking one of those dirty picture side-streets. There seems to be NO limit to the human body’s tolerance for contortion, especially under the right motivational circumstances.
I suppose that as long as you don’t have any have any severe lower back or knee problems, those positions are a piece of cake. Personally, I’d end up in a full body cast, though.
Anyway, the point of telling you about the space dust is to have you relax and have some fun. I’m going to do just THAT by going to my favorite hamburger joint.
Jake’s Wayback Burgers is open today. They’re having a New Year’s Day special: a Big Jake’s burger with cheese and large fries for the price of a regular Jake’s burger.
That’s THREE huge hamburger patties smothered with THREE slices of melting cheese on a bun. The grease literally drips onto your large order of French fries, all of which you’ll be able to wash down with a LARGE hand-dipped chocolate double-thick milkshake.
And, as you waddle out to your car afterward, you can revel in blaming it all on that damn space dust. As for me, I’m finished blaming myself!
Now, as for those occasional chest pains we may experience, I’ll have to research that and get back to you.
In fact, after my Internet side street dirty picture detours, I made an appointment with my doctor to see if he can do something about my lower back problems. So, while I’m sure those pains are just simple indigestion, I’ll ask HIM about them during my appointment.
Joe Walther is a freelance writer and publisher of The True Facts. You may comment on his column by clicking here.