Something STUPID!

Last week’s piece, Something SERIOUS, something STUPID, ran too long to include the “STUPID” part. So, I'm doing it this week. In fact, since there is NEVER a shortage of the stupid—the list is simply too long for a single posting—I’m including only a few from just this PAST week.

You’re NOT going eat THAT, are you?!…

People who know me on a personal level know that my relationship with junk food is light-years from estranged. My philosophy regarding food has always been that it’s better to die young and happy then old and miserable. While I’ve ALWAYS counted calories, I’ve never done it with the idea of monitoring my caloric intake.

I’m not fragile. I stand 5-feet 9-inches tall; and I weigh 200-pounds. My body-mass-index (BMI), with a little creative rounding (OK… truncating!) places me squarely within the overweight category, but a decent distance from the moderately obese category.

A calorie, at least to me, is a measure of how good food tastes. The higher the calorie number, the better it tastes. And, if we include a high second caloric number—the number of those calories from FAT—the food tastes even better!

Just to give you an idea of my thinking, a Burger King WHOPPER with cheese contains 760-calories (423 of them from fat). Whoppers taste GOOD! On the other hand, a WHOLE stalk of broccoli contains only 51-calories, of which ONLY 5 of them are from fat. Broccoli tastes like crap!

I’m not about to question empirical evidence of this caliber. As such, I’d as soon undergo a vasectomy with a weed whacker than eat broccoli.

The taste of it FORCES me to dip it in Ranch dressing. A two-tablespoon helping of it contains 148-calories, of which 140 are from fat. It makes broccoli tolerable as long as I don’t think about it (the broccoli).

But, I require at least 6-tablespoons of Ranch per stalk just to kill the taste of the broccoli. So, just do the arithmetic!

A stalk of broccoli at 51 calories (5 from fat) plus 6-tablespoons of Ranch at 888-calories (840 of them from fat) equals 1,036 calories (845 of them from fat).

So, based on the SOUND principles of conceptual science (pre-research conclusion while preemptively dismissing ALL facts to the contrary), a 760-calorie whopper with cheese (423 of them from fat) is a far healthier choice than a 1,036-calorie (845 from fat) helping of broccoli!

Throughout my career, I was never big on breakfast; I never ate it, except on Saturday. I’d get up early and go out for breakfast… and I DIDN’T order oatmeal, either.

I ordered eggs over easy (cooked as they swam in a pool of pure butter), a mountain of home fries cooked in oil, 3-strips of crispy FRIED bacon, 2-slices of buttered WHITE toast, and 2-cups of high-test (caffeinated) black coffee. Go ahead; Google THAT calorie-count.

A colleague of mine—a good friend as well—worked out two times a week in the gym. He was a literal diet-conscious freak. He ate oatmeal or cream-of-wheat virtually every morning of his life, tons of salads during lunchtimes (no dressing), and would rather have amputated his own testicles with a rusty serrated knife than eat red meat.

His obsession with healthy dietary habits proved fatal (coronary). I was one of the speakers at his funeral several years ago. In fact, he was one of the best-looking corpses I have ever seen… a much better looking one than I’ll make.

Just the same, it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make. OBVIOUSLY, healthy diets can kill people and I absolutely refuse to take those kinds of chances. I owe it to my family and friends!

During my Saturday morning breakfast on September 10, I met a man named Ron. He sat next to me at the luncheonette counter. As I was scoffing down my eggs and bacon, he was trying to act as if he was enjoying his two pieces of DRY whole-wheat toast and small orange juice.

Now, Ron appeared to stand about 6-feet tall while weighing in at about 125-pounds. He looked like a typical frail health food obsessive. I swear; had Ron wanted to make himself disappear, all he’d have had to do was turn sideways!

But neither his physique nor his choice of breakfast food intrigued me. However, what he told me about MY choice of breakfast food practically floored me.

He told me, “Eating fried crispy bacon is far worse for your health than smoking is.” He said it with total sincerity, with the straightest of faces, and seemingly expecting me to slide the remainder of my bacon and eggs aside, never to touch the stuff again.

Instead, I simply told him that I never knew this and I kept on eating. He finished his toast and juice, paid his check, and left. The woman sitting to his immediate right looked over at me; and we both roared in laughter.

Smoking—I quit for good in February 1983—has to be the class “A” felony of stupid, stinky, and unhealthy habits. And, while NO ONE is touting the consumption of bacon as health food, by comparison to smoking, it ranks no higher on the crime meter than a misdemeanor, comparable to… say, jaywalking.

You’re SUING over WHAT…

Martin Kessman, a 64-year-old, 290-pound stockbroker in New York City is suing White Castle restaurants because he can’t fit into their booths. I’m not making this up; click here to read it yourselves.

Several newspapers have carried the story but none of them mentioned a pertinent fact regarding the case: that Mr. Kessman is 6-feet tall. The newspapers probably didn’t think it worth the small effort to check the court pleadings. But, I did!

Mr. Kessman is suing the restaurant chain for violating the American Disabilities Act, in that the chain’s management has repeatedly ignored his requests to redesign their booths to accommodate his bulk.

But, NOWHERE in his court pleadings does he claim any disabilities. He simply claims that he has a RIGHT to sit in a booth and eat his food “just like any other NORMAL person.”

While many people suffer from genuine eating disorders—and, they are hell for those so suffering—they recognize them as personal problems that THEY must overcome rather than accusing restaurant chains of failing to make THEM (certain customers) feel “NORMAL.”

The kicker here is that the crux of his complaint APPEARS to be that he’s upset and embarrassed whenever he enters a White Castle unit and can’t fit into a booth along with his friends.

At 6-feet tall and 290-pounds, Mr. Kessman’s body-mass-index (BMI) registers, with room to spare, as “SEVERELY” obese. In fact, Mr. Kessman would have to be 7-feet, 6-inches tall in order to register as “NORMAL” weight.

And, while Mr. Kessman states in BOLD print that, 'I'm not humongous,' he IS. The fact that he’s in denial is irrelevant. When the case finally lands on a judge’s docket, the judge should toss the suit as frivolous while severely excoriating the attorney that filed it. But, we shall see.

Of course, he may land a judge that lives for political correctness. Instead of viewing the plaintiff as being severely obese and in denial about it, he/she will simply allow the suit to go forward.

After all, to the politically correct, the man’s not too fat; he’s merely a victim of being a FOOT and a HALF too short! Blame it on Mother Nature.

As a law professor friend of mine once asked his class, “Can a short man sue the city for making the sidewalks too close to his backside?” Apparently so!

Have a great week!

Joe Walther is a freelance writer and publisher of The True Facts. You may comment on his column by clicking here.

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