Put the toilet seat down! Aunt Flo's coming.

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I found this letter posted on an Internet forum. It’s supposed to be authentic, but I‘m not sure. About a year ago, a reader sent the same letter to me as an email attachment; though “Mrs. Amanda Hurtz” had signed it, instead of “Wendi.” Regardless, I thought the letter was spot on and humorous. So, I responded with my own comments.


            Click here to go to the link containing the entire letter. You will also see some of my comments regarding the topic. I’m telling you about it here because we adults need to be able to discuss the topic in a calm, logical, intellectual way.


            As a male, I cannot begin to imagine what it must be like going through monthly menstrual cycles. Yes, I know about “periods,” but clinical compassion is not the same as personal identification.


            In other words, imagining what’s going on, is no substitute for a first hand, personal experience relative to how it REALLY feels.


            Like other males, I’ve heard horror stories from men who claim to have been victims of women in varying stages of PMS-induced mental and physical anguish. Truthfully, though, the closest that I’ve come to a life-threatening episode, was a stern lecture.


            She was one of those militant feminists (although an aesthetic knockout) who loved to lecture men every chance she got about how we piggy-assed men couldn’t handle half of what women have to handle. And, you didn’t even want to mention childbirth around her!


            I have no desire to experience a menstrual cycle. I’m sure they must be terrible, but I was born a male. And, since I do NOT recall a “Creator” giving me an opportunity to “request” my gender, I’m not going to apologize for it.


            In the interests of clarifying my position to THOSE few militant women who like to blame men for EVERYTHING, including their “periods,” I say tough noogies. Get over it. If you want to blame someone for your “period,” blame “EVE!”


            It’s true. I have it on some reliable authority that EVE did this to you women way back in the Garden of Eden. My sources are impeccable; at least THEY seem to think so. They are people who claim to KNOW Jesus on a personal basis. Here’s what they claim HE told them.


            One of the angels—I think it was an Archangel by the name of Hank—leaked some secret information to Adam. According to Hank, his boss, God, was going to grant either men or women the ability to pee standing up.


            Which gender received this gem of a gift would depend on the outcome of a debate between Adam and Eve. The loser, of course, would have to settle for the consolation prize: the ability to experience multiple orgasms.


            As soon as Adam heard about it, he immediately recognized the unlimited fun that all future men could have if only they could pee standing up.


            Such ability was, in Adam’s mind, the precursor to all future forms of intense fun and laughter: farting contests, under arm noise contests, belching contests, biggest male gut contests, etc. He conjured up glorious visions of stadiums full of cheering fans.


            Yes, he’d have to invent beer and beer cans to hold the beer. Yes, it would be hard work. Yes, he’d be willing to do it, but ONLY if he won the right to pee standing up. Without this, there wouldn’t be any fun.


            Anyway, Adam set about to WIN this RIGHT. He was not going to take any prisoners in his fight, either. He would stoop to whichever lows necessary to annihilate Eve in the debate.


            He wanted this victory BAD, because he knew it had Nobel Prize written all over it. He could just imagine giving his acceptance speech and seeing his name in newspaper headlines.


            When the debate began, God explained the rules and prizes. Adam went first. He took full advantage and ranted for hours on end about how MEN should have the ability to pee standing up.


            Adam used every trick of logic there was. Well, OK, logic hadn’t been invented yet. But, if it had been, Adam would have used it in the same methodical way that lemmings go over those cliffs.


            Eve was helpless. All she could do was stand there. She was no match for Adam as he raved on and on.


            Adam won the debate. He also went on to invent beer and beer in cans. He also, in one of the most magnanimous gestures in human history, invented the toilet seat so that EVE could be more comfortable, having to sit down to pee and all.


            Eve, ever so meek and subservient, quietly settled for the second prize: the ability to experience multiple orgasms. Even though multiple orgasms were light years from the thrill of shooting pee streams at beer cans 5-feet away, she never let bitterness overtake her.


            While Eve enjoyed her multiple orgasms with Adam whenever he was not busy with pissing practice—there were, as yet, no other men to compete against—she began to notice some discomfort around the same time every month.


            Adam began to notice it, too, especially at those times when she became a raving bitch over his leaving the toilet seat up.


            So, it seems that the downside to multiple orgasms is a monthly menstrual cycle. Bummers! Of course, peeing standing up also has its downside: women browbeating men for leaving the toilet seat up.


            Ladies, we all have our crosses to bear in this life. Yours is a little monthly bleeding. Get over it. Besides, it would only be a matter of mere eons before Wall Street advertisers would finally invent television ads for Tidy Bowl.


            Eve could NEVER have imagined it! Millions of women, in TV advertisements, would one day be standing around their toilet bowls in a state of impending orgasmic ecstasy over the fact of their toilet bowls being immaculately clean.


            Talk about your multiple orgasms; only a frigid ninny would notice a toilet seat in the up position under such conditions. But, just in case, those same advertisers would cover their butts by inventing CIALIS advertisements.


            Such intellect! Outside… on a hillside overlooking a valley. A beautiful, moonlit, star-studded sky. Side-by-side bathtubs. She in hers, he in his. Both naked and just waiting for THAT special moment: the arrival of a police officer wanting to know what in the hell they’re doing.


            Well, maybe we ARE as stupid as they seem to think we are. Whatever. I’ll be back next week. In the meantime, I REALLY have to pee. OOH, there’s a beer can! Watch this!


Joseph Walther is a freelance writer and publisher of The True Facts. Copyright laws apply to all material on this site. Send your comments. Just click here.

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