My latest medical check-up…

OK, I went to see my doctor this past Wednesday. And, things are certainly looking up for me. My weight’s UP (it’s never down); my cholesterol’s UP; and my blood pressure’s UP! So, he rolled his eyes and gave me a handout on low-salt/low-fat diets.

My reason for going to him in the first place had nothing to do with any of this. I made my original appointment because one night I happened to feel a LUMP in a place where lumps are not supposed to be!

But, when he told me that MY cancer wasn’t cancer at all—it was a lymph gland doing its job of fighting off an attacking low-grade infection—it raised my cockiness factor quite high.

This GOOD news completely drowned out all of his admonitions about my weight, cholesterol, and blood pressure. I thanked him and headed out to the reception area. I paid my co-pay, and floated out the door thinking that this called for a bit of celebration.

So after I arrived home, I sat down and had a pint of Haagen Dazs chocolate ice cream, as I read his handout on low-salt/low-fat diets. NOTE: Haagen Dazs ice cream does not fare well in low-salt/low-fat diets.

And it’s no wonder when you consider how badly Haagen Dazs mislabels their containers. According to them, a 1-pint container holds 4-servings. That’s FOUR! It’s printed right there on the label.

THEY claim that a single serving (1-HALF cup or 106 grams) contains 270 calories (162 of them from FAT). In addition, each serving contains 115-milligrams of cholesterol, 75-milligrams of sodium, and 21-grams of sugar.

Let me tell you right off the bat that I STRONGLY disagree; I don’t care what it reads on the label. For me, I’ve had a single serving of this stuff when my spoon scrapes the bottom of the empty pint container.

So, by MY definition of a single serving, their TOTAL calorie count is WAY off; there is NO need to multiply by 4!

But, with all due respect for my doctor, we’re talking about HAAGEN DAZS ice cream here. It trumps ALL concerns about low-salt/low-fat intakes, especially after one finds out that one does NOT have cancer.

And here’s another thing; this country needs to get on the metric system of weights and measures.

A male (me) standing 5-FEET 9-INCHES tall and weighing in at 205 POUNDS, gives the ring of an overweight Baby Huey in search of a place to have a heart attack.

But standing 175-cm (centimeters) tall and weighing in at a mere 93-kg (kilograms) sounds SOOOO much better.

And, what’s with all the SODIUM? It’s SALT! Yes, they’re the same thing, but why get so pretentious and professionally snotty about it? Everybody knows what salt is but more than a few people—good, hard-working folks—don’t know sodium from talcum powder.

As well, I LIKE salt; without it, I’d have NO diet at all. Add to this NO fat, NO cholesterol, NO sugar… and it becomes apparent that all one has to do to live to the age of 100, is give up everything that makes one want to live to be 100.

No thanks! I’ve made it this far through life, and I’d rather die younger and happy than older and miserable.

And, as long as my mind continues working well, and ALL my body parts continue to work reasonably well, life remains pleasant. So, I’ll just take a pass on those low-fat/low sodium (SALT, damn it!) diets.

I’m in my 70s; screw vegetables! My mother ate tons of them throughout her lifetime, and she died ANYWAY!

So, I’m not giving up cheeseburgers, cheese steaks, Wings-to-GO, pizza with tons of pepperoni, REAL butter, or doughnuts . . . at least not until I can actually HEAR my arteries hardening.

Oh, and I’m NOT giving up beer, either! It’s what numbs my lower back pain and keeps me from hearing the sound of my arteries hardening.

Have a great week!

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