I have been a Conservative—but never a blind, dogmatic partisan, straight-ticket voter—my entire voting life (since 1961). I’m still a Conservative, but my disgust with the R’s over the past 12-plus years defies description. But to be sure, BLATANTLY STUPID has crossed my mind consistently.
So, as I promised a very dear friend, here is my theory on why I believe that Adam—of Eden fame—was the FIRST Republican and why Eve, his alleged “wife” was the FIRST Democrat.
I’ve researched this thoroughly, and while I have minimal direct evidence—I’m not quite old enough to have been there—the mountain of circumstantial evidence, combined with comparisons to modern day Republican mentality is simply irrefutable.
As you know, for eons humanity has labored under the misconception that the two of them were booted out of the Garden because of that damned apple. While this was true as far as it went, it was only a small part of the whole mess. But the REAL trouble in “paradise” began several years earlier.
Even to this day, all modern humans—but Republicans in particular—view Eve as some sort of hussy-like, sexy temptress who charmed an ever-horny buffoon of a man who was helplessly driven by an insatiable quest to satisfy his carnal urges.
Well, he went for the brass ring on that ancient merry-go-round and he MISSED it. The landlord kicked them both off the premises. But, as you’ll soon see, this was merely the final straw.
But still, more than 6,000 years later according the late Bishop Ussher, males—most recently a horde of Republican office seekers—are still bent on controlling WOMEN, especially regarding sexual freedom and reproductive rights.
And what’s worse? Eve didn’t start it; Adam did! His lust for controlling and winning at all costs was the root cause of Adam AND Eve getting kicked out of that alleged paradise on Earth. And here’s how it went down.
A little-known Archangel—I think his name was Hank—leaked some secret information to Adam. According to Hank, his boss at the time, God, was set to grant either men or women the ability to pee standing up. (By the way, Hank was eventually thrown into hell for leaking this—no pun intended—and later changed his name to Lucifer.)
Anyway, which gender was to receive this gem of a gift was to depend on the outcome of a debate between Adam and Eve. The winner would forever be granted the ability to pee standing up while the loser would have to settle for peeing while in a sitting or, at best, a squatting position.
God also promised that He would compensate the loser provided the loser remained gracious in defeat. But Adam being a man, wasn’t at all interested in any CONSOLATION prizes! It became a win-at-all-costs proposition for him!
As soon as Adam heard about it, he immediately recognized the unlimited fun that all future men could have if only they could pee standing up.
Such ability was, in Adam’s mind, the precursor to all future forms of intense fun and laughter: farting contests, under arm noise contests, belching contests, biggest male gut contests, etc. He conjured up glorious visions of stadiums full of cheering fans.
Yes, he’d have to invent beer and beer cans to hold the beer. Yes, it would be hard work. Yes, he’d be willing to do it, but ONLY if he won the right to pee standing up. Without this, there wouldn’t be any fun.
So for Adam, the prime directive became make it a God-given RIGHT for MEN—NOT women—to pee standing UP. He was determined to win it for all of future male humanity.
And he was not going to take any prisoners in his fight, either. He would stoop to whichever lows necessary to annihilate Eve in the debate.
The debate began with God explaining the rules. Adam won the coin toss and chose to go first. He wasted no time taking his rant to Eve. Incessantly, he raged on about it being MAN’S destiny to pee standing up.
He used every logic trick there was. Well, OK, logic had yet to be invented. But, if it had been, Adam would have used it in the same exacting, intuitive way that lemmings go over those cliffs.
Eve was helpless; she didn’t stand a chance. She was no match for Adam’s incessantly loud bellowing. All she could do was stand there and concede by default to one mindless point after another as Adam raged on.
Adam won the debate. He jumped and hooted and pumped a victory fist into the air. For eons into the future his fellow males would know the thrill of entering peeing contests and shooting pee streams upwards of 5-feet through the air to see who can knock over the most empty beer cans with a single stream!
Of course, first he’d have to invent beer and beer cans; which he DID. But then, in one of the most magnanimous gestures in human history, he also invented the toilet seat so that Eve—and all future females—would be more comfortable, having to sit down to pee and all.
And Eve, ever so sportsmanlike, politely acknowledged Adam’s victory and graciously accepted God’s benevolent consolation prize on behalf of ALL future females: the ability to experience MULTIPLE ORGASMS during any given love-making session!
Given the current state of Republican intellectual and emotional IQs, there can be no doubt that Adam was the first Republican and Eve was the first Democrat.
While women in this country—given the right circumstances, of course—have had to endure reaching the sexual summit of Mount Ecstasy while possibly in the throes of occasional multiple orgasms, all that their male counterparts can do, especially Republicans, is yell, “LOOK, an empty beer can; watch THIS!”