I’m an ASSHOLE . . . but I’m COMPETENT!

There I was, stopped at a red light behind another vehicle. I was waiting patiently for the driver in the lead car to go ahead and make his LEGAL right turn on the red.

I kept on waiting… waiting… and waiting. I didn’t want to blow my horn because, even though he seemed clueless, he’d probably just ignore me, not turn, and I’d still be stuck behind him.

So, in the interest of efficiency, I pulled around him and made my LEGAL right turn on the red light.

He gunned his engine and sped out after me! I knew he had something on his mind, so I lowered my window and slowed down. “NO TURN ON RED, ASSHOLE”, he bellowed and raced away talking to himself.

I thought to myself, “Wow, this guy is not only stupid but vividly upset.” A sense of, well… pride, yes, PRIDE, welled up inside of me to think that I could have this kind of effect on someone. Dare I even think that my actions ruined his entire afternoon?

This got me to thinking about the term, asshole.

We all know, with the possible exception of Delaware’s General Assembly, that “asshole” is a euphemistic reference to the opening of our anal canals.

But to reiterate for our General Assembly members, the anal canal opening is that darkish little pucker spot located between the cheeks of one’s butt. In other words, it’s the same place you all put you lips when sucking up to all of the special interest groups down there in Dover.

Given all of the crap—no pun intended—that goes on in that region, it’s no wonder that the term “asshole” is also used as a euphemistic reference to people whom we classify as “disagreeable”.

Regardless, whenever we use it to describe another human being, we always infer negativity. And, since each of us is an asshole to someone, the term is always relative.

In other words, one person’s asshole is another person’s hero. I don’t know about you readers, but I consider the term, asshole, to be a title of honor. It takes effort and continued dedication to be a competent asshole.

Incompetent assholes don’t know that they are assholes. Competent assholes KNOW that they are assholes.

For example, in the incident above at the traffic light, I KNEW I was the COMPETENT asshole. The other driver was the incompetent one. He had no clue though.

It had nothing to do with the fact that he didn’t know the difference between a “No turn on red ARROW” sign and a “No turn on red LIGHT” sign. Um, in case you don’t know, the former has a RED ARROW pointing to the right and the latter has a SOLID RED CIRCLE.

Since anyone having read a driver’s manual knows the difference, that driver was stupid. But what made him an incompetent asshole was the way he reacted, not the fact that he was stupid.

Competent, self-assured assholes are NEVER stupid, and they’re secure in their personalities. Incompetent assholes are ALWAYS stupid, and they have NO personalities!

Our self-confidence is unwavering. Each day, we know, almost instinctively, that circumstances will provide us with opportunity after opportunity to demonstrate our competencies in the art of being assholes.

Not a single day goes by that I, along with all of the other competent assholes, fail to be grateful to nature or, if you prefer, God, for the wonderful opportunities to show “our stuff”.

And as I said earlier, we’re all assholes to someone. So, it isn’t a question of whether or not you are one, too. The fact is that you are. The question is whether you’re competent or incompetent.

A competent asshole is one who is capable eliciting highly emotional responses, complete with obscene gestures and popping cranial blood vessels. An incompetent asshole is always the reactionary to whatever a competent asshole has done or said.

The next time you are driving down I-95 and accidentally cut someone off, keep your cool. As the other driver goes by ranting and raving while giving you the finger, just smile and keep on truckin’. Be proud of yourself.

Little ole’ you just put the other drive on the verge of a stroke or heart attack. At the very least, you have ruined his day and took maybe two or three days off his life.

I want you to write this 1,000 times. “Competent assholes are proactive. Incompetent assholes are reactive.” Got it? If others are going to call us assholes no matter what, then we owe it to ourselves to be the best we can be.

Now get out there and drum up some stress!

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